Talking about substance use isn’t easy. Your child may try to avoid the discussion, and you might feel unsure how to proceed. But avoiding it isn’t the answer. Kids who talk with their parents about substance use are up to 50% less likely to use substances. These conversations can also reduce the likelihood of needing professional help later. So start the conversation when the time feels right—and keep it going!
Talking with Your Teens
Adolescents are being exposed to drugs at earlier and earlier ages. Ideally, you’ll start the conversation long before your child really needs it. By the time children are ages 12-14, it is likely they already have been offered substances. Experts say it’s best for parents to talk to their kids around ages 10-12 or even earlier.
Talk Early
Before talking with your child, take a moment to check out the facts about alcohol and other drugs on our blog and research pages. Keep in mind, though, that simply sharing information doesn’t always guarantee they’ll make wise choices. Focus on the key points you want to emphasize, but try not to let all the research take over the conversation—it’s just as important to connect with them on a personal level.
Just Say “Know”
Try starting with curiosity instead of jumping straight to the facts. Ask open-ended questions to learn what your teen already knows and how they feel about the topic. This will help guide the conversation and make it flow more naturally.
Get Their Perspective
Let your kids know early and clearly that you don’t approve of underage substance use—it’s one of the strongest ways to prevent it. Kids whose parents explicitly disapprove are three times less likely to use.
Set clear rules about alcohol and drugs, explain why you want them to wait, and tie your rules to your family’s values. Be consistent with consequences and show confidence in their ability to make good choices. While rules may evolve, make sure they’re always clear.
Make Your Position Clear
After sharing your expectations, acknowledge that the choices are ultimately theirs to make. Let them know you hope they’ll make healthy decisions and remind them that true independence means taking good care of themselves.
Acknowledge the Limits of Your Authority
More Listening Strategies
USE ACTIVE LISTENING Let your child know they are understood by reflecting back what you hear — either verbatim or just the sentiment. Listen without interrupting, summarize what you’ve heard, and then confirm. Examples of phrases are “it seems like you’re feeling ...”, “I hear you saying ...” or “am I right that ....?”
USE "I" STATEMENTS These let you express yourself without your child feeling judged, blamed or attacked. Describe the behavior, how you feel about it and how it affects you. Then spell out what you need. An example is “when you don’t come home on time, I worry that something terrible has happened. I need you to call me as soon as you know you’re going to be late so that I know you are okay”. Or “because I love you and I want to keep you safe, I worry about you going to the concert. I need to know that you will obey our rules about not drinking or using drugs”.
MAKE IT AN ONGOING CONVERSATION Remember you don’t need to cover everything at once. In fact, you’re likely to have a greater impact on your child’s decisions by having a number of talks about substance use throughout their adolescence. Think of your talks as part of an ongoing conversation.
OFFER EMPATHY AND SUPPORT Approach your child with concern and show compassion. Let your child know you understand that the adolescent years can be challenging. Acknowledge that everyone struggles sometimes, but alcohol and drugs are not a useful or healthy way to cope with problems. Remind your child that you are there for support and guidance.
SHARE YOUR FAMILY HISTORY If there is a history of chemical dependency in your family, educate your child about genetic vulnerabilities towards substance abuse. If you have personal experiences with addiction and recovery, share them. If there is mental illness in your family or a vulnerability to it, share that too. Certain drugs (e.g., cannabis) can trigger a condition if there is a predisposition to it.
TAKE A "HARM REDUCTION" APPROACH At some point, prevention efforts by necessity may turn to reality-based efforts, which focus on safety and moderation. This especially applies to older teens with more autonomy who may be using substances, as well as college-bound teens or those who are leaving home to travel or work.